Friday, May 27, 2011

Raven and Me

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.
— Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)


Past 5 days were hell.
It was like Marley & me.

Raven left me at the age of 8(human years).

I think the hours I cried were more than the hours I slept.
He left me on Monday.

I started crying when I saw the look on his face, even before hearing what the vet told me.
By then, he could barely stand or walk.

He fell from height during his last hour on earth just so that he could be beside me. He wanted to follow me when I merely back off for the 'nurse' to walk.

He had fits 3 times. I was torn to pieces each time the attacks came. I felt useless and helpless.

No one can really understand my feelings..
Do you know how I felt when I watch him fall from his cage lvl 2 to the ground just so that he could be next to me?
Do you know how I felt when I watched him have fits every 30minutes?
Do you know how I felt when I watched him suffer and died beside me and there was nothing I could do?
Do you know how pain I felt when I tried to feed him liquid food via syringe and he wouldn't eat any?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS HIS LAST LOOK ON HIS FACE? HE WAS STARING AT ME WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN FOR THE LAST TIME.

I can't forget that look.

Acupuncture. BULLSHIT. The vet used acupuncture on him. On his head. And gone, he was gone within ten seconds. She still told me the acupuncture would calm him down and reduce his fits by a little. BUT IT KILLED HIM. I am guessing that Raven died of circulatory shock. She don't know her work. She just wanna make me pay for everything and make use of the chance to squeeze everything out.

Even the resuscitation looks fake. There was no passion. You can tell that they weren't really trying to save the dog. There was really no passion in everything they did. Money was their first priority.

I hugged his body. The hardening reaction only took 10minutes and his body was already stiff. I patted his body for hours while waiting for the undertaker to come, he didn't move. He laid there, so beautifully with his thick fur fluffy coat motionlessly. Baby, you're such a beautiful fat dog and my tears wouldn't stop.

My heart ached so bad, so bad that I feel like dying at that point of time.

Undertaker came hours later. Reluctantly, I hugged him for the last time in my entire life and watched him pack Raven into a black bag.

I cried. bad, bad bad. Reached home, and cried like mad again.
Sat infront of my table, looked at our polaroid, and cried for hours.

Packed all his clothes and kept them in a box.
Little did I know that he had so much clothes. Bath robe, tees and all..

We sent him for cremation so that I can still keep him with me. Right now, he's sleeping on my table. In his little 'coffin-liked' urn.

Baby, they can take you away. But they can never stop my love for you. Neither will this affect our bonds. We are stronger than covalent bonds. Remember that.

I was so close to depression during the first 3 days. Went to bed crying, and waking up to a quiet home. I went to Raven's favourite spots, hoping that everything was just a nightmare and he would be lying there rolling from left to right again. Couldn't see him and I sat at the stairs crying again. Again and again.

Didn't eat for the first 2 days (but drank lots of fluid), and one meal on the following days.

Took some pictures of him to serve as memories. But everytime I look at them, it pains me so bad that my emotions changed drastically.

Everyone said you were a happy dog. But baby, I am the happy one because I had you. I'll love you forever as long as I breath. Thank you for staying strong for me for all the time you had been sick and still hiding all the symptoms away so that I couldn't tell. I have so much to say, but I'll tell you everything when I see you in my dream. Even a million thank you is not enough.


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The full story was like this,

Received a call from the pet clinic on Monday morning.
Prepared myself within 30minutes and dashed out to visit Raven.
Reached to realize that there was no one in the clinic to take care of Raven at night.

So what do they mean by hospitalization?
I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

They made me feel like a carrot. Paid for this and that.
It was like, even a sip of water for Raven was charged to the bill.

But at that point of time, nothing else mattered.
Priority was Raven's health.

The fucking vet called and apologized "I am sorry. I forgot to tell you that your dog was in a very critical condition yesterday while you were still here"

FOR FUCK?!

I told her to be honest with me. How much remaining time does Raven have.
"Only 24-48hours"

IF SHE HAD TOLD ME THIS EARLIER, I WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM IN THAT POOR COLD CLINIC. IF HE WERE TO DIE, IT WOULD BE AT HIS PLACE, AT HIS FAVOURITE COSY SPOT.

All in all, it was money. So long as he stayed, the bill would be a hefty sum.

She's lucky she's a vet. Because if she's a doctor, and a patient dies, the main cause of the death would be investigated. But for Raven? HA. Joke. Life is just so fucking unfair. I don't believe in karma, but I hope that karma will visit you soon.

I will watch you fall.